The Secret Diaries of the White Gold House Redecorator
Day 1:
Just got a job as the White House Redecorator and Holiday Planner, because ya know, the place needs a lot more gold… also more stuffed lions. Fact is, I’m thinking of lining the entire front walkway with stuffed lions and maybe a couple of elephants as a shout out to Eric. The Orange Dude loves it- WORD!
Day 2:
Why not make it the Gold House? That would be sooo much more impressive than the White House. I mean, lots of people have white houses, but gold houses? This is gonna be yuge.
Day 3:
Changed African History Month to Alt. History Month. During Alt. History Month, Ben Carson will pay homage to all those immigrant slaves who swam to this country from Africa on camels.
Day 4:
I’m working on the traditions. On Donald’s Eve, send a bottle of Trump wine to the Gold House. Packaged in a festive green and gold plastic bladder, they’ll be no worries about breakage or vintage. It’s the best bladder.
Note to self: Tell staffers to save receipts. Those in top 1% can use this as a write-off! Better yet, just include them with the wine – Donald’s the only one eligible.
Make America Grape Again!
Another customary offering is the Trump steak. It’s the best steak, served just this side of charred and dowsed in ketchup.
Note to self: Don’t forget to set out a few hunting rifles, knives and a modern home taxidermy set for Eric and Donnie Jr.
Barron would appreciate the removal of an r and a coat of arms to go with his new name. As for Ivanka, please someone, give her a job title.
It’s okay to ignore Tiffany, everyone else does.
Day 5:
I worked my little behind off today on planning the awesome decorations for Donald Eve.
Instead of an outdated fat man in a red suit, what better logo than The Donald himself? An inflatable Donald will be featured on The Gold House lawn, seated in a gilded sled, lined by white tiger fur and pulled by lions. Eric and Donnie Jr. have generously agreed to shoot and stuff the beasts themselves, no small feat, as there are only twenty left and ten of those are in zoos. How’s that for family spirit?!
This display will also be a rare chance to catch a glimpse of First Lady Melania, or at least a wax model of her, and really, what’s the difference? She’ll be posed on the floor of the sled at Donald’s feet, wearing nothing but diamonds and heels so long you could skewer kittens on them.
I’m considering having Donald’s Workshop in the background, featuring Spicer, Bannon, Tillerson and Conway hand-molded in Orbit cinnamon gum and dressed as elves. They’d look rad if they were animated! Maybe cutting up medical bennies and sewing them together as tax cuts for the .01%?
Day 6:
On, Memorial-to-Donald-Trump-Day. The Apprentice will be broadcast 24-7 on all the REAL networks. The clips will include footage of Donald receiving six Emmys. Arnold Schwarzenegger dart boards will be available for purchase at www.theGoldHouse.gov. He’s Fired!
Day 7:
On Thanks-for-Giving-us-Donald-Day We’ll erect golden cardboard walls in every park across the nation. By the time Pruitt’s done, that should total three. At the height of the blowout, inflatable immigrants will explode over the walls, whoever pops the most gets an ambassadorship.
The traditional meal for Thanks-for-Giving-us-Donald-Day is: overdone Trump steak with ketchup and Trump wine.
Then Kellyanne butted in without even knocking, just like she always does, nosey old bag.
“But isn’t that what the menu for Christmas, I mean Donald Eve was?”
“Yeah, so what?” I said. “What did you used to eat on Thanksgiving?”
“Turkey?”
“And Christmas?”
“Turkey.”
“Snap, bitch!”
Day 8:
Father’s Day is now Donald’s Day. Because he’s an amazing dad, Donald-in-Chief says no gifts for him! Instead, please give to the children – his children.
Chinese manufacturing contacts for Ivanka’s clothing line may be sent to:
“TOP SECRET, The Gold House, Washington D.C.”
Eric and Donnie Jr. need a ten-week cert. to Bubba’s School of Taxidermy. Baron wants to be a Duke.
Day 9:
Independence –From-Barak-Obama-Day will be celebrated by the largest crowds ever, period.
Day 10:
On Donald Sunday, children will dye hard-boiled eggs orange and revel in the rising of our president. Kellyanne will host a Donald-egg hunt at the site of the infamous Bowling Green Massacre.
Day 11:
On Veterans-Shouldn’t–get-Captured-Day, we’ll all make fun of John McCain, by mumbling to the tune of, Oh Say Can You See:
Oh, say can you see, who was captured last night? Num num NUM num num num…. No one can sing that song anyway, after the first line they can either hum or shout ‘Lock Her Up!!!’ Hillary/McCain, who cares? The crowd will love it.
Day 12:
On Trump-o-ween, the capital will be aglow with orange faces. Kids will buy Trump-o-ween candy direct from the Gold House and all the money goes to charity! Eric and Donnie Jr. will make sure of it
In the background, hovering ‘round an open fire, Vice-Mannequin Pence will make a special appearance in black robes thrusting an ‘A’ branding iron in the flames, as a warning to naughty girls.
Day 13:
“I Have All the Best Words Day” – A celebration of language
Live from New York, the First Lady will demonstrate how to say, “Hello, Goodbye,” and “Do you have bigger diamonds?” in seven languages, including Pig Latin.
Day 14:
On International Women – or Grab a Pussy Day
Ivanka will demonstrate how to walk in 36” Heels and hand out out 5% discount coupons for her clothing! Melania will give all girls 2% off the New Inflatable First Lady Doll! Twist her waist and her chest grows 3”! Comes with toy lion and diamonds.
This is gonna be a lotta work, but I’ve got it covered.
Just got a job as the White House Redecorator and Holiday Planner, because ya know, the place needs a lot more gold… also more stuffed lions. Fact is, I’m thinking of lining the entire front walkway with stuffed lions and maybe a couple of elephants as a shout out to Eric. The Orange Dude loves it- WORD!
Day 2:
Why not make it the Gold House? That would be sooo much more impressive than the White House. I mean, lots of people have white houses, but gold houses? This is gonna be yuge.
Day 3:
Changed African History Month to Alt. History Month. During Alt. History Month, Ben Carson will pay homage to all those immigrant slaves who swam to this country from Africa on camels.
Day 4:
I’m working on the traditions. On Donald’s Eve, send a bottle of Trump wine to the Gold House. Packaged in a festive green and gold plastic bladder, they’ll be no worries about breakage or vintage. It’s the best bladder.
Note to self: Tell staffers to save receipts. Those in top 1% can use this as a write-off! Better yet, just include them with the wine – Donald’s the only one eligible.
Make America Grape Again!
Another customary offering is the Trump steak. It’s the best steak, served just this side of charred and dowsed in ketchup.
Note to self: Don’t forget to set out a few hunting rifles, knives and a modern home taxidermy set for Eric and Donnie Jr.
Barron would appreciate the removal of an r and a coat of arms to go with his new name. As for Ivanka, please someone, give her a job title.
It’s okay to ignore Tiffany, everyone else does.
Day 5:
I worked my little behind off today on planning the awesome decorations for Donald Eve.
Instead of an outdated fat man in a red suit, what better logo than The Donald himself? An inflatable Donald will be featured on The Gold House lawn, seated in a gilded sled, lined by white tiger fur and pulled by lions. Eric and Donnie Jr. have generously agreed to shoot and stuff the beasts themselves, no small feat, as there are only twenty left and ten of those are in zoos. How’s that for family spirit?!
This display will also be a rare chance to catch a glimpse of First Lady Melania, or at least a wax model of her, and really, what’s the difference? She’ll be posed on the floor of the sled at Donald’s feet, wearing nothing but diamonds and heels so long you could skewer kittens on them.
I’m considering having Donald’s Workshop in the background, featuring Spicer, Bannon, Tillerson and Conway hand-molded in Orbit cinnamon gum and dressed as elves. They’d look rad if they were animated! Maybe cutting up medical bennies and sewing them together as tax cuts for the .01%?
Day 6:
On, Memorial-to-Donald-Trump-Day. The Apprentice will be broadcast 24-7 on all the REAL networks. The clips will include footage of Donald receiving six Emmys. Arnold Schwarzenegger dart boards will be available for purchase at www.theGoldHouse.gov. He’s Fired!
Day 7:
On Thanks-for-Giving-us-Donald-Day We’ll erect golden cardboard walls in every park across the nation. By the time Pruitt’s done, that should total three. At the height of the blowout, inflatable immigrants will explode over the walls, whoever pops the most gets an ambassadorship.
The traditional meal for Thanks-for-Giving-us-Donald-Day is: overdone Trump steak with ketchup and Trump wine.
Then Kellyanne butted in without even knocking, just like she always does, nosey old bag.
“But isn’t that what the menu for Christmas, I mean Donald Eve was?”
“Yeah, so what?” I said. “What did you used to eat on Thanksgiving?”
“Turkey?”
“And Christmas?”
“Turkey.”
“Snap, bitch!”
Day 8:
Father’s Day is now Donald’s Day. Because he’s an amazing dad, Donald-in-Chief says no gifts for him! Instead, please give to the children – his children.
Chinese manufacturing contacts for Ivanka’s clothing line may be sent to:
“TOP SECRET, The Gold House, Washington D.C.”
Eric and Donnie Jr. need a ten-week cert. to Bubba’s School of Taxidermy. Baron wants to be a Duke.
Day 9:
Independence –From-Barak-Obama-Day will be celebrated by the largest crowds ever, period.
Day 10:
On Donald Sunday, children will dye hard-boiled eggs orange and revel in the rising of our president. Kellyanne will host a Donald-egg hunt at the site of the infamous Bowling Green Massacre.
Day 11:
On Veterans-Shouldn’t–get-Captured-Day, we’ll all make fun of John McCain, by mumbling to the tune of, Oh Say Can You See:
Oh, say can you see, who was captured last night? Num num NUM num num num…. No one can sing that song anyway, after the first line they can either hum or shout ‘Lock Her Up!!!’ Hillary/McCain, who cares? The crowd will love it.
Day 12:
On Trump-o-ween, the capital will be aglow with orange faces. Kids will buy Trump-o-ween candy direct from the Gold House and all the money goes to charity! Eric and Donnie Jr. will make sure of it
In the background, hovering ‘round an open fire, Vice-Mannequin Pence will make a special appearance in black robes thrusting an ‘A’ branding iron in the flames, as a warning to naughty girls.
Day 13:
“I Have All the Best Words Day” – A celebration of language
Live from New York, the First Lady will demonstrate how to say, “Hello, Goodbye,” and “Do you have bigger diamonds?” in seven languages, including Pig Latin.
Day 14:
On International Women – or Grab a Pussy Day
Ivanka will demonstrate how to walk in 36” Heels and hand out out 5% discount coupons for her clothing! Melania will give all girls 2% off the New Inflatable First Lady Doll! Twist her waist and her chest grows 3”! Comes with toy lion and diamonds.
This is gonna be a lotta work, but I’ve got it covered.